


(In)dependant

by Hanna



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Abuse, Angst, Cutting, Gen, I'm not kidding abuse is everywhere in this, Mental Abuse, Mental Health Issues, This fic is one huge trigger warning, abuse recovery, attempted suicide, but since when does loki need words?, literally trigger warning personified, loki is a little shit, no sexual abuse though, or physical abuse, sucidal thoughts, written for the kinkmeme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 02:37:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanna/pseuds/Hanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Loki was gone again, and that Steve was getting used to the utterly broken and lost look on Thor’s face every time he left was probably a bad sign. The god seemed tiny somehow as he stared at the spot where his brother had been scant seconds ago, and Steve could have sworn he heard a muffled sob. He started.</i><br/>“Thor?” he asked cautiously. And just like that, it was gone, so completely that if he hadn’t seen it he wouldn’t have believed it. A wide smile split his face and his eyes danced.<br/>“A glorious battle, friend!” he boomed, and Steve wondered how he’d ever believed that Thor was incapable of deception.</p>
<p> <br/>Growing up Loki abused Thor to absolute dependance on him.</p>
<p>They aren't children anymore, and Thor struggles to move on from that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(In)dependant

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a trigger warning personified. Seriously. Do not doubt this. This has ALL the triggers. Abuse, cutting, neglect, sucidial thoughts, attempted suicide. And angst, oh yes, angst angst angst.

**(In)dependent**

Loki was gone again, and that Steve was getting used to the utterly broken and lost look on Thor’s face every time he left was probably a bad sign. The god seemed tiny somehow as he stared at the spot where his brother had been scant seconds ago, and Steve could have sworn he heard a muffled sob. He started.

“Thor?” he asked cautiously. And just like that, it was gone, so completely that if he hadn’t seen it he wouldn’t have believed it. A wide smile split his face and his eyes danced.

“A glorious battle, friend!” he boomed, and Steve wondered how he’d ever believed that Thor was incapable of deception.

XX

_They were children when it started, when blood and succession started to matter and people expected Thor to be more than he was capable of being and expected Loki to be his brother’s shadow. While they’d run around with their agemates as children, carefree, birth and heritage was not an issue, and there was no divide between the brothers. Certainly Loki was a strange, quiet child, but he played excellent tricks that made the others laugh. Golden Thor had a natural presence that made it so easy for the other children to like him._

_The elders shook their head at Thor’s continuing quest for fun and pleasure as he grew, and the other children, as they grew alongside him, were delighted to have the crown prince spar with them. They cow-towed and sucked up to him, and even though his forte wasn’t books and learning, Thor was not stupid; he knew that if he were to fall out of favour all his friends would leave him._

_Somehow, as they grew, Loki faded into the shadows he so naturally sought and was forgotten about._

XX

Steve watched Thor carefully when they were off duty. Duty being Loki attacking every other week and the clean-up afterward, they didn’t have much off time. But he still watched when they did, and Thor seemed the same jovial, overenthusiastic person he’d been for as long as Steve had known him.

Now, though, he saw the shadow of sadness in his eyes, so deep he had to search for it, and his self-deprecation was painfully evident. His praise was always for others and he always waved off any in return. Steve did the same; it was just his job. He’d always assumed that was how Thor thought too.

But seeing the crushing agony and need in his eyes while they fought Loki made him reconsider.

XX

_Loki did not take kindly to being forgotten. One day he entered Thor’s room while Thor was out sparring and waited for his brother; when the sweat laden, laughing Thor entered he wrinkled his nose at the smell._

_“You stink,” he complained and Thor jumped in surprise._

_“Loki?” he asked. Loki heaved a long-suffering sigh._

_“Of course it’s me, you oaf,” he said. “No one else can get in these rooms, remember?” Of course he didn’t. He’d never paid attention to what he didn’t consider important, and he didn’t consider much beyond fun and friends important. Thor’s face darkened; Loki was intrigued._

_“What are you doing here?” Thor asked, voice shorter now. Loki’s smile was not loving._

_“Waiting for my oaf of a brother,” he said, cuttingly. “But if I’m unwelcome…” he let the sentence hang as he flounced out, heard Thor calling after him, but ignored him._

XX

Steve noticed Clint frowning at Thor between trying to fend off the strange, misty creatures that Loki had conjured up. They were impervious to normal weaponry and very annoying, even if they didn’t cause much damage. Thor was yelling to Loki again as he waded through them, Mjolnir swinging. Apparently she could hit them and they were falling about him.

“Brother, please, stop this,” he pleaded. “Please.” Loki just laughed at him and Thor visibly deflated.

“I told you,” he said, voice somehow soft, “I’m not your brother.” Then he vanished and the mist-creatures with him. Steve lay a gentle hand on Thor’s arm and found that he was shaking very slightly.

“Thor, good job,” he said. The tremor didn’t leave, but his face cleared.

“Nay, it was nothing,” he said. “Your guidance, no more.” Steve sucked in a breath.

XX

_“Loki,” Thor called, searching the corridors determinedly. “Brother, please, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Loki melted from the shadows and Thor jumped, relief and shock on his face._

_“I was short of temper from waiting,” he said. “I should not have snapped so.” He watched guilt twist on Thor’s face and revelled in the small victory. Asgard might look down upon him for his seidr and trickery but he could still win over his golden brother._

_“I should not have left you waiting,” Thor apologised. It was clear that the fact he didn’t know Loki was there hadn’t even crossed his mind. Loki almost laughed._

_“Oh, Thor, never change,” he said, and Thor looked confused, pleased by the warmth in his tone but unhappy by the obvious insult. Nonetheless he let Loki pull him back to their rooms._

_“You forgive me?” Thor asked hopefully, and Loki pressed a kiss to his brother’s cheek._

_“Of course, dear brother,” he assured him and felt the tension in Thor melt away._

XX

Steve listened when Thor told stories; they all did. The stories at first were of other gods and their adventures out of consideration for the team’s feelings about Loki. But soon enough they turned to Loki. One particularly memorable one was about when he and Loki dressed as maids to retrieve Mjolnir. Thor didn’t care to explain how he’d lost her, even though Tony pressed.

“I don’t know how in the nine realms Loki convinced me to pose as a maid,” Thor laughed, so cheerfully that the undertone of _love me brother please I’ll do anything_ was hardly there. “I must have been crazy, or rather deeper in my cups than usual. But Loki always could convince me to do anything.” Steve and Clint frowned.

XX

_“Loki!” Thor called happily. “Loki, did you see the way she looked at me?” Loki’s lip curled. He’d seen the adoring look on the maid’s face, the besotted grin on Thor’s. His eyes darkened._

_“I saw,” he said flatly, and Thor paused, the elation in his eyes dropping._

_“Loki?” he asked. “Loki, have I angered you?” He sounded so worried. Loki almost laughed. He put a big, fake smile on._

_“Of course not, brother. Have fun with her.” And Thor smiled in return, so hesitantly, trying to see if Loki had really changed his mind so soon, if Loki was truly telling him the truth._

XX

Bruce never noticed in the field; why should he? The Hulk was too busy smashing things to notice, and Bruce and the Hulk didn’t share memories in any case. Even so, Bruce was a smart man and he knew something was wrong.

XX

_Thor was well in his cups when Loki found him groping at the woman, pawing roughly at her clothes. She was giggling, clearly as inexperienced as Thor himself, kissing him messily. He narrowed his eyes._

_Thor replied with a messy kiss of his own, all tongue and teeth, and Loki laughed derisively. Thor spun around and the maid frowned._

_“My lord?” she asked, and when Thor didn’t see Loki he put on a big smile that didn’t quite look real to Loki._

_“It is nothing,” he assured her and kissed her again._

XX

Natasha knew as soon as she saw Thor and Loki facing each other in battle, as soon as she heard him talk about him; knew how desperately Thor craved approval, craved Loki’s approval; she didn’t know that his was the only approval he would accept. If she had, she might have realised sooner how dire her friend’s need was.

XX

_“Your kissing needs work,” Loki said bitingly when Thor went back to his room looking happy but unsettled. He spun around._

_“Loki, I heard- you were watching?” he asked, mortified. Loki’s laugh was cutting._

_“You were in the corridor, you oaf. It was almost an invitation to watch.” Thor was steadily reddening, shame, anger and embarrassment in his posture. Loki shook his head and swept out. Thor stared after him mutely, trying to find his tongue._

XX

Tony never realised; never saw Thor look so haunted and broken. His place in combat was in the sky, and even had he been on the ground beside Thor he would never have seen. He wasn’t that perceptive, not about people.

XX

_Thor kissed many more girls after the first, but his technique never improved. Finally Loki cornered him one day._

_“Oh, for goodness sakes,” he said. “This is getting painful. Here.” And he grabbed Thor, pulled him down and kissed him. Thor froze in shock at the action, and at the realisation that Loki was a very good kisser._

_“No, you oaf,” Loki said, pulling away. “You don’t just sit there. You return it.”_

_“Loki, what are you doing?” Thor asked, trying to step away from his brother, who was closer than a brother should be._

_“Helping you. Now kiss me.” He pulled Thor down again and this time Thor clumsily responded. Loki just shook his head, tutting._

_“That will never do,” he said. “Slower, Thor. Have some finesse.” Thor went scarlet and pushed Loki away, marching off._

XX

One day after battle Thor just sat on the ground looking miserable, Mjolnir held between his shaking hands, and even when he knew the rest of the team was watching him he couldn’t put on a good face. He just turned away and a single tear tracked down his cheek.

“What’s wrong with him?” Tony asked curiously. No one answered, just watching their friend, the picture of misery itself, until Bruce dehulked and stared pointedly at them all before marching over to Thor.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Come on.” Thor let him pull him to his feet and lead him off the battlefield.

XX

_“Over your hissy fit?” Loki asked later, icily, and Thor looked up, shame and anger pooling in his cheeks. He waved a hand. “Don’t be so sensitive. I’m the wronged one. Or don’t you remember pushing me away for trying to help you?” Thor coloured, guilt overriding them all. He’d hurt his little brother._

_“Loki, I’m sorry,” he said. Loki scoffed. “Really, Loki, I am.” Loki turned away._

_“No you’re not,” he said confidently, so confidently that Thor had to question whether he really was._

XX

“Whose idea was it to let him just sit there?” Bruce asked, staring at each one in the eye. Steve shuffled his feet, Clint bit his lip, Natasha met his gaze and Tony just looked blank.

“Um, what’s going on with him?” he asked cautiously. “That’s not normal.” Natasha snorted slightly.

“No, Stark,” she agreed. “It isn’t.”

“Tash, are you going to talk to him?” Clint asked. Natasha nodded.

“He needs to talk to someone,” she said.

“Later,” Steve said. “Let him recover first.”

XX

_The next time Thor kissed a girl, he tried to imitate Loki’s movements and over time the girls seemed to enjoy it more, and so did he. But he never found the same pleasure in kissing again._

XX

“You remind me of Loki,” Thor said to Tony one day when they’d come back from a long, exhausting fight. Tony froze.

“Excuse me?” he asked, and Thor smiled blissfully. He was distant and spacy like he could sometimes be on the high of combat, only half aware of the world.

“So proud. So clever. So beautiful.” Tony choked on his coffee.

“Are you hitting on me, Thor?” he asked. Then he frowned as more disturbing elements of the statement clicked into place. “Did you hit on your brother?” Thor didn’t hear him.

“I miss him,” he sighed. “I miss him, Tony.” Tony nodded, vowing to forget this ever happened.

XX

_When Thor started to envy Loki, he wasn’t sure. But he was envious of Loki. Loki was smart in a way he never was, had freedom he never had. Mother loved them both but lavished attention on Loki, the son after her own heart, whereas Father was too busy being king to pay attention to either of his sons. Thor understood; he was having the lessons himself, knew how time consuming kingly duties were. But still, it hurt that Loki could talk to Mother about magic and weaving when Thor shared none of those interests._

_He buried himself in his friends and training, but that never satisfied him. He had good friends, certainly, Volstagg, Fandral, Hogun and Sif, but the love he had from them wasn’t enough._

_He lived for the times Loki praised him, because if his smart, clever brother said he was doing something right, he was._

XX

Somehow, ‘later’ never came to pass. Thor seemed happy enough and no one wanted to poke the raw wound that was Loki.

If Tony wanted to see if he could make alcohol comparable to Asgardian mead and Thor agreed to be his taste tester even before he’d said what he wanted, looking deliriously happy to be asked, it only made sense; he _was_ the only Asgardian.

If Thor lavished his attention on Tony, hanging around the lab until he got annoying, then he was just trying to get to know his friend the only way he could, given the amount of time he spent there. That he didn’t spend that much time with anyone else meant only that he had clicked with Tony more than the others.

If he looked distraught when Tony shooed him away because he was busy Tony never noticed.

XX

_Loki had mocked him for his efforts with women before; he still sought comfort and pleasure in serving maids but never did they satisfy him, not the way a single smile from Loki did. He sought battles that were harder, foes that were stronger. He learned to put on a broad smile and laugh as if delighted when people were confused because battle did not inspire him to song._

_He could not impress Loki by doing what Loki did; Loki sneered at his efforts. So he tried to become better at what he could do. Loki scoffed at his brutal, oafish ways, and he resolved to try harder. If he could dispatch his enemies more neatly, then would Loki be pleased?_

_He invited Loki to his training and sparring sessions, and Loki usually declined with a withering look. But when he did accept Thor tried harder than ever to impress him, to tempt one little smile out of him._

_Loki’s lips would turn up at the corner in what Thor chose to think was a smile._

_“Barbarian,” he said, and Thor learned to accept his insults as compliments, because they were from Loki, and whatever Loki deigned to give him was good enough for him._

XX

“Tony?” Thor asked, poking his head into the lab. Tony was bent over something and he looked up at the ceiling.

“There is nothing dangerous happening,” JARVIS said, a hint of sadness in his voice, and Thor headed inside. He called Tony’s name three more times before Tony looked up.

“Thor,” Tony sighed, and Thor’s face fell. “Look, I’m a little busy. I’m sure Steve will spar with you.” He nodded, sighed deeply and turned around. Tony paused.

“Thor,” he called and Thor turned to him, dull hope in his eyes. “I… it’s not that I don’t like your company, ok? I’m just busy.” Thor nodded, his mouth tightening again, and turned and left. Tony stared after him for a long moment.

XX

_His coronation was to be his big day, the day his father would have to pay attention to him, the day Loki would have to be proud of him. Drunk, he sought his brother out the night before, beaming, and Loki was smiling at him._

_“Tomorrow’s your big day,” he said, and Thor chose to ignore the bitterness in his voice. “Everyone will have their eyes on you.” Thor tried to speak without slurring._

_“I want you by my side, Loki,” he said. Loki smiled thinly._

_“Of course I’ll be at your side, Thor. Where else would I be?” Thor threw his arms around Loki in a sloppy hug. He squirmed._

_“Ugh, get off me, you oaf,” he complained, but Thor didn’t move. He stumbled forward, putting more of his weight on Loki, who rolled his eyes._

_“Fine,” he said. “I’ll get you to your room so you can sleep it off. Wouldn’t want to be hung over for your coronation, would you?” Thor laughed, a delighted laugh, as Loki led him off._

XX

“Thor?” Steve asked the third time he got a hit on him. “Are you alright?” Thor’s eyes were sad.

“I am fine, Steve,” he said. Steve chewed the inside of his lip. He wasn’t fine, he could see that. But he knew how the men of his time had reacted to being told there was something wrong with them and maybe they had the same stigma on Asgard. He chose to say nothing, just throwing another blow and Thor blocked it, retaliating with a strike that had Steve doubled over, gasping for breath weakly and grinning at Thor.

XX

_“Thor, no,” Loki said urgently. “You can’t go to Jotunheim without disobeying Father’s direct orders.” Loki was the trickster; he broke rules. Perhaps Loki would be proud of him if he did the same? Thor could only hope. He’d looked so disappointed with Father in the vaults when he said no to retaliating._

_“No, Thor,” Loki said hurriedly, seeing the gleam in his eyes and the smile curving across his cheeks, but Thor knew from the twinkle in his eye that he approved and his heart sang._

XX

Thor didn’t go back down to Tony’s lab. Tony found, much to his surprise, that he missed his visits. But he was getting more work done now, and he was sure Thor had found something else to occupy his time with, and didn’t try to find him.

XX

_Thor stared in betrayal at Father. He was being banished. He looked desperately at Loki, who looked as shocked as he, and took heart in the fact that maybe Loki would visit him until he could come home. As the bifrost took him away, he held that hope in his heart._

XX

Thor didn’t venture from his room for two days; not that Tony knew, in his lab. Steve and Bruce both came down to ask him what he’d said to him.

“Why are you blaming me?” Tony asked, genuinely shocked.

“Because he trails after you like a little lost puppy,” Bruce informed him. Tony frowned.

“He does?” Both men rolled their eyes.

“Yes, Tony,” Steve said. “He does.”

“Um,” Tony said. “I’m probably not the best role model for Earth behaviour…” Steve snorted in a way that said ‘we know’ and Bruce just looked inexplicably sad.

“I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, Tony,” he said softly.

“Then what is he looking for?” Tony asked, utterly perplexed.

“Loki,” Bruce said, and Tony gave up on understanding him.

XX

_Unworthy. The word pulsed through him, never leaving him, sinking to his very bones. Unworthy. Unworthy. Unworthy. He had let his tears fall freely before his hammer- no, Mjolnir was not his hammer anymore- but now he would not. He was not worthy to be a god, so he would have to learn to be a man._

_He thought of Loki then, and how glad Loki would be that he wasn’t following him around and getting in his way, and his tears very nearly fell._

XX

Tony did seek Thor out in his room, though. He looked utterly wrecked, his eyes dark and shadowed, his clothes in disarray, his hair unwashed. Tony bit his lip.

“Big guy? Thor?” he asked. Thor looked up and a smile almost crossed his lips.

“Tony,” he acknowledged, painful hope in his eyes. Tony stepped inside and Thor visibly brightened.

“Cap and Bruce said they were worried about you,” he said, sitting beside him and putting his hand on his, and Tony was ready to swear he’d never seen Thor look so radiant.

“There is no need,” he said, joyous. “I thank you for coming to see me.” He beamed broadly and threw his arms around Tony.

“Gotta breathe, Thor,” Tony choked and Thor pulled back anxiously. He grinned at him. “C’mon. I don’t think you’ve eaten today.” Thor glanced at the floor in- shame? Anxiety?

“I have not,” he admitted, voice low. Tony’s smile faded slightly. There was something in his voice he could not put a word to, but he didn’t like it. He pulled Thor out by the hand and led him to the kitchen.

XX

_Father was dead, and he was unworthy. Loki could not bring him back home- but was Asgard home, was he welcome back? He was responsible for Father’s death after all._

_He clung to Loki’s greeting._

_“I had to see you,” Loki had said, relief and warmth and sorrow in his eyes. “I had to see you.” Only one thing seemed to be good about the whole situation: Loki did not blame him. He had forgiven him._

_He clung to that with everything he had._

XX

Thor came out of his funk, and that was the last anyone thought of it for a time. He pushed himself harder in battle, keeping an anxious eye out for Loki the whole time, but Loki didn’t show up, let Doom keep the Avengers occupied. He trained harder, was antsier during their off times. He started to disregard Steve’s orders in the field.

Everyone was worried about him now, but he brushed off their concerns.

He stopped bothering Tony when Tony waved him off again, hardly aware that he was there, spending his time in the gym instead, training obsessively and sparring with the others. When Tony came in he would looked over at him hopefully, and Tony would smile. His whole face would light up with that smile.

Now it was mentioned to Tony he saw how often Thor looked to him for approval. He worried. He wasn’t a good role model.

XX

_Loki had lied to him._

_When Sif and the Warrior Three came to take him home and told him that his father was alive he’d not believed them, but they did not lie to him. He knew Loki lied, he was the Liesmith, but he was stunned and hurt by the fact that he’d lied so blatantly about something so important. Even when Loki sent the Destroyer, he refused to believe it._

_He must have had a good reason. That was what he told himself when he refused to fight his brother, who was so hurt, almost crying. He wanted to hold him, let him cry, but Loki refused to let him near._

_When Loki fell, Thor blamed himself._

XX

Right from the start of the fight Thor had blatantly disregarded Steve’s orders, charging in hammer swinging. It was against Doom again, and the doombots were falling about him; he was in no danger. But when a massive one fell atop him he actually staggered as he pushed it off and Steve could see the cuts from where he’d landed on sharp rubble.

Steve had seen it coming, and tried to warn Thor, who hadn’t listened. This had to stop.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he demanded later as Thor sat on the couch scowling at him. “You could have died! You need to obey my orders in the field!” With a curt nod, Thor rose to his feet.

“Thor,” Steve began, softer, “What’s going on? You’ve been off your game for weeks now.” Thor left the room and didn’t reply.

XX

_Thor quested erratically around his princely duties, wildly, dangerously. He went by himself where he would have taken his friends and hunted giants and beasts that really required a party to take down._

_“Thor,” Sif said one day when he was recovering from being gored by a bilgesnipe, “Why are you doing this? If you want to go on the big hunts we can come with you. We want to. You’re risking yourself.” Thor did not reply, his jaw clenched, staring up at the ceiling._

_“Thor, are you trying to get yourself killed?” Sif cried in frustration. He twitched and she gasped. “Thor, no, we need you, Asgard needs you, your parents need you…”_

_“So did Loki,” Thor said, and not for the first time Sif roundly cursed Thor’s little brother._

XX

“Miss Romanov,” JARVIS said politely. “I believe Thor needs assistance.” Natasha looked up, frowning.

“Is he in trouble?” she asked, but JARVIS wouldn’t say.

She found him in his room crying, a sword in his hand, covered in blood. She gasped and burst into action, grabbing the sword and sounding the alert in one motion.

“I’m sorry,” he was sobbing. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” she didn’t ask what about; she was fairly certain that he was completely unaware of her presence. He kept making slashing motions at his arm, and she retrieved a pack of baby wipes and started to wash the cuts carefully. They were deep and gouging. She swallowed back tears. What had driven him to this?

“Forgive me, I’m sorry, forgive me please, forgive me brother, forgive me,” Thor mumbled, and she caught one word: ‘brother’. Realisation hit her hard.

Tony burst in first and stopped dead at the sight that greeted him. Steve nearly ran into him.

“Tony, move,” he ordered. Numbly Tony let Steve push him aside and he gaped at Natasha wiping the wounds. Bruce’s eyes flashed green, and Clint clenched his knife.

“It’s Loki,” she said darkly as Thor kept babbling his inane apologies. She nearly snarled. Her lips were tight with worry and anger. Thor looked up hopefully but when he didn’t see Loki dropped his head to the bed again.

“What’s he got to do with anything?” Tony asked, confused. “We haven’t seen him in ages.” Bruce’s eyes suddenly widened.

“Exactly,” he breathed. Tony stared confused between them.

“You can start making sense any time now,” he invited them. Steve was frowning, and Clint looked utterly furious.

“Bastard,” Clint hissed and Tony released a sigh.

“Any time now,” he repeated hopefully.

“We need to get Thor help,” Steve said, clearly not understanding but pushing it aside. Clint nodded and pulled his phone out.

“I’ll call SHIELD,” he said and headed out the room. Tony buried his head in his hands.

XX

_When Heimdall reported seeing Loki in Midgard, Thor’s face split into a broad grin, which had faded as he relayed what he was doing. Confusion and anger took him; what was Loki thinking? What threat could the mortals possibly pose him? He had the Tesseract, that was his goal; why had he not left them alone?_

_The thought sounded like Loki when it curled through him._

_Because I love the mortals. He sobbed aloud._

XX

Thor was put in an isolated room off medical, where the orderlies watched him sharply. He cried, pleaded and started pummelling the walls at various times, sleeping only when exhaustion overtook him, not eating at all. The team sat with him, one at a time, helpless. A counsellor tried to talk to him but all she could get out of him was that he’d failed Loki.

“This must be why Loki hasn’t showed up lately,” Natasha said to Clint. “He can’t kill Thor; but he knows he can drive him to hurt himself.” Clint spat out a vicious curse.

Each tried in their own way to persuade Thor to let go of the past, to forgive himself, but he didn’t listen. When he started to take care of himself and ate when food was put before him, the medical staff decided that he could be released to Stark Tower under observation. And under no circumstances, the team was told firmly, was he to see Loki again.

XX

It didn’t work out like that. Not a week later Tony found Loki taunting Thor about his cowardice.

“You’re no warrior,” he sneered and Thor bowed his head, not fighting the accusation. “You’re a coward, and cowards don’t go to Valhalla. You don’t deserve to go to Valhalla.”

“No,” Thor mumbled thickly. “I don’t.” Loki laughed, reached forward to stroke his cheek. Thor lifted his head, his blue eyes swimming with tears, despair and defeat in his every line.

“Ah, brother,” Loki crooned, and Thor closed his eyes, revelling in the touch. “My pathetic, oafish brother.” Thor reacted like they were compliments, glowing dully from the inside.

“Hey!” Tony exclaimed. “Get out of my house.” Loki scowled at him and vanished. Then Tony turned to Thor, who was watching him as if he was the sun.

“You know, what he was saying- all lies. The lot of it. He’s spewing crap. Stop buying it.” Thor smiled hesitantly at him. “We love you, big guy. You’re not pathetic or oafish or stupid or a coward, and you totally deserve Valhalla. It ought to be grateful to have you.” Thor’s weak chuckle made his heart light.

XX

Thor didn't leave his room for a week.

He was not left alone once in all that time.

In the morning, when he returned from his jog, Steve sat by his bed and talked to him, tried to engage his listless friend in conversation, to stop him from just staring blankly at the ceiling. Thor was so still that if his chest had not been rising and falling it would have been easy to mistake him for dead, and he barely reacted to Steve's words, even when Steve touch his shoulder or hand to try to rouse him from his stupor.

When it was breakfast time Steve left, stared back at Thor, worried, and Natasha took his place with two plates of food, tried to coax Thor into eating. She'd eat in silence and put his before him, watching him as he pushed it around the plate, finally sitting up at least, though still not talking or looking at her. He rarely did eat, and when he did it was never much, but at least, she figured on those days, he was eating at all. Most days he just dropped his fork on the plate and pushed it away.

Natasha's eyes never left him once.

She left after breakfast and JARVIS kept an eye on him, his constant surveillance silent but known, and Thor reacted to it no more than he had anything else.

At lunch Bruce forced Thor to eat with the threat that he’d feed him like a baby if he didn’t eat on his own. Thor looked up, for the first time truly responding, his eyes undecided between anger and need, bright and sharply painful, and Bruce felt caught in their beam.

He was always the first to look away.

Thor always ate with slightly more energy than before.

Clint sat with Thor in the afternoon and told him stories. Thor stared at the ceiling for the first few days, his hands folded over his chest, but Clint forged on, hoping the flickers of life in his eyes weren’t just his imagination. The fourth day Thor watched him as he spoke, eyes fixed unwaveringly on him even though he didn’t talk, and the fifth he laughed a little at a joke Clint told. Clint felt his heart lighten.

The times Tony sat by his bed, however, Thor came to life. He was animated and spoke a lot, with his hands and in a voice approaching his normal voice, and when Tony spoke he watched him like he were the source of all life. It was, as Tony told Steve, quite disconcerting and overwhelming, to be the sole focus of those blue eyes.

When Tony told Thor he’d set JARVIS to watch him, wary, just in case he would take offence, Thor just sat still, his hands folded in his lap, his eyes cast down. Tony touched his shoulder.

“Thor?” he asked, gently. “Big guy?”

“I am sorry,” Thor said, not looking up at him. “To be a burden. You are so busy, Tony.” He looked up then, eyes sorrowful and shamed. “I take your time from your work.” Tony’s eyes widened.

“Thor,” he said. “Buddy, you aren’t a burden! You could never be- you need anything, ask me. Just say so. You can have anything you want.” Thor’s eyes grew sad again and he looked down. “Thor, look at me, promise me.” Thor met Tony’s earnest brown eyes, so intent. What else could he do but promise?

When Tony left, Thor’s mood quickly darkened again.

XX

Bruce had taken Thor’s weapons from him after his suicide attempt, with the exception of Mjolnir. He’d tried to take her from him, but Thor was the only one who could lift her, and he had straightened indignantly when Bruce told him leave her with the others, gripping her tight, eyes sparking with such firm resolve that Bruce hadn’t the will to force the issue.

He had made him promise not to hurt himself with her, and Thor had deflated, shame in his every line at the reminder, and Bruce bit his lip.

His daggers, though, and his sword- they had to go. Yes, Thor, even your boot dagger- don’t look so surprised, I know about it, give it to me, I don’t do this to be cruel but because I want you to be safe. God, Thor, stop being such a child.

As always, Thor stilled on the insult.

“Sorry,” Bruce said, sighing, as the god handed his boot dagger over mutely. “I mean it- I just want you to be safe.” Thor did not reply for a long moment, his shoulders sagging, and finally he nodded minutely.

“I know,” he said.

When Natasha searched him to be sure, she came up with a dagger she’d found in his belt buckle and skewered him with a long, long look.

“Thor,” she said, arching an eyebrow.

Thor crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly, but could not meet her eyes. He stalked out the room.

That night Tony found him drinking. What seemed like an unsafe amount of alcohol, even for the Asgardian, was spread across the bar, though Thor appeared not to be drunk. He met Tony’s eyes challengingly over the rim of his bottle.

“I can drink if I want,” he said, and Tony started, then laughed.

“Thor, I am the very last person who can lecture you on drinking,” he said. “Did it escape your notice that this is _my_ alcohol?” Thor visibly deflated, opened his mouth to apologise. Tony didn’t want to hear it. He held a hand up to forestall his words. “I’ll forgive you if you give me some,” he said with a light grin.

Thor passed it over almost too eagerly.

XX

“Tony?” Steve asked the next morning, raising an eyebrow at the mess. Thor grimaced, his eyes falling to the ground. Steve blinked. “Thor?”

“I will clean up,” he said, avoiding Steve’s gaze. “I should have…” He moved to step around Steve and Steve caught his arm. He turned to face him mutely.

“Thor, I won’t pretend to know- you know you can talk to me, right?” he asked. “You’re my friend. I care about you.” Thor dropped his eyes. Steve sighed. “If you need to talk, I want you to be able to talk to me. I want you to know that you can.” Finally Thor jerked his head in a nod and Steve let his hand fall. Thor moved past him and bent to pick up a fallen bottle.

“You don’t need to do that,” Steve said. Thor ignored him.

XX

Steve took a deep breath and looked at the assembled Avengers for strength. Thor blinked at them, warily.

“Thor, we want you to speak to a counsellor,” Steve said. Thor’s brow creased in confusion.

“A what?” he asked.

“Someone who can help you,” Natasha said, stepping forward. Thor’s jaw set and he raised his chin proudly, eyes flashing.

“I need no help,” he said, daring them to contradict him. He turned on his heel and walked out and they watched him helplessly.

XX

Thor went down to breakfast the next morning, his whole posture proud and rigid, daring anyone to challenge him.

No one did.

He sparred and trained with them, went to Tony’s workshop and watched TV that night with the rest of the team, meeting their eyes fiercely when they looked sideways at him.

The next day, and the next, he did the same, trying to prove to them, to himself, that he was just fine. The third day he kept his new schedule, though he was snappy and tense and easily provoked into an argument, but he remained, daring anyone to tell him he needed help.

The fourth day he didn’t come down for breakfast.

Natasha silently took it up to him and said he was just staring at the ceiling again and hadn’t responded to her. Tony told JARVIS to tell them if there was any change in him, and that afternoon JARVIS reported that someone ought to go and see Thor.

Steve went up to find him curled beside his bed, arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth, sobbing violently.

“Thor?” he asked. “Buddy?” Thor choked out inane apologies and begged him to leave him alone, so he did.

The next day he couldn’t meet Steve’s eyes at dinner when he ventured down, and his stiff back at breakfast the next challenged anyone to say a word.

And so it went on. For days Thor would act as if nothing happened, but by week’s end he was always breaking down in tears, unable to hold them in any longer. For weeks this pattern continued, for two months, and everyone knew when Thor would break down.

They let him try to pretend until it started to affect his performance in the field, and when Clint was injured because Thor had failed to watch his tail like he was supposed to, insisted he see someone.

Clint was insistent that he would be up and about soon, and he was, within a day, but still Thor could not meet his eyes. He promised to do better, to be more observant, to train harder, but Steve held up a hand to stop him.

“Thor,” he said, firmly. “You will see a counsellor.”

Thor slumped in defeat.

“Very well,” he said.

They got him into one of SHIELD’s counsellors, a lady named Amy, before he could change his mind, and afterward he went straight to his room and spoke to no one.

Shortly after, Fury pulled him from the duty roster, and no one argued with him. When Thor found out he argued that he was capable, he needed to be in the field, to defend Midgard, it was his sworn duty, but Fury refused to budge and Thor went to his room looking like he’d failed the whole world.

When Tony went up to him to ask him if he wanted to train with him he found him with bleeding wrists and remorseful eyes. He gulped.

“Buddy?” he asked, cautiously.

“I am sorry, Tony,” Thor said, and said no more. Tony took the dagger and left.

XX

Tony told no one about it for weeks, during which Thor was still cutting and Tony was fretting, and it wasn’t until Steve found him bleeding that he was discovered. He called Natasha up, frantically asking Thor questions, questions he did not answer.

Natasha saw the cuts, saw the fine lines of them, slowly healing, and stared at him, forced him to meet her eyes. His stomach roiled and he couldn’t make himself look away until she did. Shame burned in his eyes and Steve just didn’t understand.

“What?” he asked, looking between them.

“He did this to himself,” Natasha said, crisply, her worry hidden underneath the mask of professionalism she wore so well, and Steve’s eyes widened. “Give me the dagger.”

Mutely Thor passed it over from where he’d hidden it. Natasha took it. It was still stained red with his blood and her lips thinned, sorrow and anger in her eyes, barely there but still measurable.

“You will see Amy again,” she ordered, and he bowed his head, a shudder passing down his spine, shoulders slumping. Steve stared at him.

“Why?” he asked.

Thor had no answer for him.

XX

He did not speak about what he and Amy talked about, and no one asked. He came back from his sessions silent and, sometimes, teary, but never spoke about it.

A few times he was found crying in his room and tried hard to pull himself together whenever anyone entered. They left him his privacy to grieve, to heal, and slowly he started to relax, to laugh more, to participate with more energy in team activities.

Once Bruce found him on the roof, staring out, and sat beside him.

“Thor?” he asked, and the god took a moment to turn to him. His eyes were distant but his voice clear.

“Amy says that Loki manipulated me,” he said. Bruce was silent. “That he abused me.” He broke off, took a deep breath.

“He is my brother, Bruce,” he said, pleaded, for what Bruce did not know and didn’t even try to guess. Bruce put a hand on his shoulder.

“I know he is,” he said, but Thor did not relax.

XX

They were speaking to the press when the question came.

“Thor,” one journalist said, “How do you answer the allegations that what Loki did is your fault?” Steve sat up straighter and Tony turned a glare on the journalist but Thor had frozen, his breath stuttering in his chest, as she continued.

“Because there are people saying that if you hadn’t come here he wouldn’t have followed,” she said, anger in her voice. “That all the people who died in his attack would still live.” Steve rose to his feet to answer the question as Thor bowed his head, trembling.

“None of this is Thor’s fault,” he said, clearly. “He could not have known what would happen when he came to Earth. I am sorry if you lost someone, ma’am, but do not blame him.”

Thor raised his head, tears staining his cheeks. He shook off Bruce’s arm, avoided the looks of his teammates.

“It is my fault,” he said in a voice filled with self-loathing. “Loki followed me here. I am so sorry for your loss- if there was anything I could do to help you, to have stopped it-”

It was at that point SHIELD stopped the press conference and the journalist was taken aside and told, very firmly, not to bother coming to any future conferences. All footage of it was taken and destroyed.

But Thor knew the truth; knew that all the damage was his fault.

XX

Thor always managed to get his daggers back, somehow, no matter how well hidden Natasha and Bruce made sure they were. No matter if they disposed of them. He always managed to find more.

It was a tenacity that made them smile when he had them in his sheaths on his belt or in his boot or belt and dared them to take them off him.

It was a tenacity that broke their heart when they found him slashing at his own wrists again that night, deep, blood spurting everywhere, tears streaming down his cheeks, his head bowed, shaking all over. When he realised that Bruce was there, and had called the others, he met their eyes and gouged a deep, long cut through his vein.

“I am so sorry,” he said, voice strong, “To have brought this pain to your world.” And then he twisted the knife viciously and could no longer hold it in his shaking, weak hand. It fell from his grip and he scrabbled for it but was unable to get it because Tony was there, kicking it away, holding him up, uncaring of the blood all over his clothes and hands.

“Look at me,” he ordered, desperation clear in his tone, and Thor could not meet his eyes. He shook him, hard. “Look. At. Me.”

Thor did.

“None of this is your fault,” he said. “None of it. This is Loki’s fault, and don’t you say a word- I know what you thinking. I know you think that you have the weight of every one of Loki’s deeds on your shoulders. But you don’t. You do not. Loki has to bear the weight of his own sins. You are blameless.” Thor’s lips parted and Tony shook him again until he stopped trying to speak. He felt so weak, blood loss robbing him of his strength, and that blood was making gripping him slippery.

“We need you, so don’t you dare die,” he said. “You hear me? Don’t you dare kill yourself. We all need you.” Thor stared at him, worked his mouth again, and spoke faintly, with great effort.

“Sorry, Tony,” he mumbled, and passed out.

Tony would not deny the tears that fell down his cheeks then as he clutched to Thor as if he could tether him to life by force of will alone.

XX

He’d been cleaned and bandaged, dressed in a white hospital gown and put in isolation under suicide watch. The team was outside anxiously waiting for the nurse to tell them his status, if he was awake, if they could visit him.

“He is healing,” she said. “Quickly. The wounds are fading. But…” she didn’t need to say more. He was awake but might as well not have been for all he responded to stimuli. He stared at the ceiling as if not seeing it and the only signs he was alive was the rise and fall of his chest and the beeping of the machines attached to him.

When he slept it was almost a relief, because they could no longer see his dead blue eyes.

Only Tony could provoke any response from him, and the extent of that response was that his eyes flickered with shame and guilt.

Even that was an improvement.

He didn’t even react when Loki appeared beside him and hit him sharply across the face before anyone could get inside. Then his hand reached out and grasped Loki’s wrist, pulled him close before he could escape, examined his face for a long moment.

Then he pushed him away and the Avengers burst in. Shaken, Loki didn’t even taunt them before he disappeared.

The next day Thor sat up when breakfast was brought in and started to eat.

XX

Amy was brought in and the cameras turned off for their sessions. Thor looked wrecked after, and they all knew that was a good thing, a sign he was opening up, working through his issues. Amy smiled at them as she left, which they took as a good sign.

He started to talk to them. At first he could hardly look them in the eye but then he grew more comfortable around them, started to joke around, though he never spoke about the circumstances that led to him being here or Loki. Nor did he fight the nurses. He was compliant, doing as he was told, taking his pills, giving them no trouble.

They were amazed and wary, but chose to proceed as if he was healing when two weeks passed of this, long enough that they didn’t think he was only perking up because he’d resolved to end it once and for all.

Finally he looked Steve in the eye when he was visiting.

“I am sorry to have worried you so,” he said, and brushed Steve’s instinctive ‘You don’t need to feel bad’ off. “No, I must say this. I am truly sorry to have worried you, and I know I will continue to do so. I know that I will continue to struggle. But I want to tell you that I will fight it- I will not allow my brother to rule me.” He paused, sucked in a deep breath, warded off Steve’s attempt to speak.

“I am not responsible for his actions,” he finally said, and Steve practically collapsed with relief into the chair.

He carried on as normal with the others but one day spoke to Tony alone, held his hands between his and stared him in the eye for a very long moment. Tony felt himself squirming and his cheeks heating up.

“Thor?” he asked. Thor said nothing, leaned close, close enough that Tony felt his hot breath on his cheeks. He frowned, felt his breath speeding up in his chest.

“Thor?” he asked again.

Then Thor pulled back and released his hands, but he kept looking him in the eye.

“Thank you,” he said, and it was the most heartfelt sound Tony had ever heard. He swallowed and nodded, breaking eye contact, felt his hands shaking as if he’d been turned inside out, and took deep breaths to calm himself.

“Er, no problems, big guy,” he said, and fled. Steve stared at him.

“What happened?” he asked, and Tony opened his mouth and closed it, shook his head.

“I have no idea,” he said, faintly.

XX

Thor was taken off suicide watch a week later, and kept improving. He started getting antsy a fortnight later, though he tried not to complain, and he still had his quiet days, the days where he could not keep from crying, the days he toyed with his food instead of eating it. Finally he could no longer stand to stay in bed and started moving about the room restlessly, looking pleadingly at the nurses when they came to check on him.

Finally he just asked.

“How much longer must I stay here?” he asked, and the doctor chuckled.

“Not much longer,” he assured him, and he brightened.

He was kept in hospital for another month before he was finally released, the doctors unable to find any reason to keep him.

“Just make sure you keep checking in with Amy,” they told him. He nodded and promised.

“I will,” he said. “I promise.” They smiled as they watched him get into the car with the others that took them back to Stark Tower. They chatted on the way about how they’d cleaned his room of the blood- Thor winced and his eyes fell briefly to the moving floor at that- but otherwise left as he had.

“I am sorry,” he said to the group at large. “I have caused you much stress.”

“You’re worth it,” Bruce told him sincerely.

He did not deny it.

XX

They ate dinner that Steve made before watching TV, falling automatically into their old routine, and after Thor pulled Tony aside, watched him earnestly until Tony began to feel uncomfortable again.

“I remember,” he said before Tony could say anything, “Everything you said to me, when I.” He swallowed and gestured to his wrists. Tony bit his lip, waited. “Everything, and I didn’t believe it at the time, but. I thought about it a lot, while I- was in the hospital.” He swallowed audibly as he bit his lip, struggling to find the words to continue.

“I just. Thank you. For. Thank you.” He pulled Tony into a rib-crushing hug which he returned after a moment, and then they went their separate ways, Tony to his workshop and Thor to his floor, Tony staring after Thor for a moment, a lump appearing in his throat when he realised how very close they came to losing him.

XX

Thor lay awake, staring at the ceiling, curiously empty. For so long he’d tried to hold Loki close, despite all he did, and now he’d accepted he could not- he sighed, closed his eyes.

He didn’t know what the future held, didn’t know what he’d feel, think, what he’d do, but he thought that, just maybe, with his teammates help, he was ready to face it.

He hoped he was.

XX

When he came down at breakfast he appeared cheerful enough, thought Steve. A little pale but still cheerful enough. He was quiet, eating slowly, chewing carefully, but still joined in the conversation. He trained with them and watched the news.

He hated watching the others suit up and not being able to go with them when the city was threatened, and always gripped Mjolnir in his hand at those times, watched them until they were out of sight, then turned the news on and stayed glued to it until they came home.

Clint told him he was sure Fury would let him back into the field soon- he was doing so much better now, after all. Clint had tried to avoid Thor lately, unsure how to help him, what to say, and apologised for that. Thor laughed a little.

“I have been hard to get along with,” he said. “I know that. Do not feel bad.” Clint’s lips curled up into a smile.

Natasha wordlessly gave his dagger back one morning and he slipped it into its sheath in his boot, gripping her hand for a moment in thanks.

A week later Amy came by to check up on him, and shortly after Fury arrived.

“If in a week your counsellor thinks you’re ready, I’ll put you back on the duty roster,” he said, and Thor’s face split into a smile. He bowed his head.

“I thank you director,” he said.

That week passed slowly. Thor tried to find things to do in the tower and often resorted to flying over the city or going for a walk, shopping with Tony’s credit card, training obsessively to stave off his boredom and nerves.

Finally Amy arrived and he sat before her, chewing his lip. She reached out, touched his hand.

“Don’t be nervous,” she said, gently. “You’ll do fine.” He swallowed. “How do you feel?” He wanted to say he was just fine, he just wanted to get back to work, but swallowed down the reflex, answered truthfully.

“Tired,” he said. “But well.” She nodded, smiled reassuringly.

“Your appetite?”

“I eat three meals a day,” Thor said instead of answering. “Even if I do not want to.” Amy laughed a little.

“That’s good to hear. You need to keep eating to keep your strength up.” Thor bobbed his head in a nod. She grasped for his hand, patted the back of it. “You’re doing very well, Thor. I’m proud of you.”

A smile formed on his lips and he opened his mouth.

“Don’t you apologise,” she scolded him and he looked startled, closed his mouth again. Her smile softened the blow. “I know you, Thor. You take things onto yourself you don’t need to. That’s what got us into this mess, remember?” He ruefully matched her smile then it fell.

“I,” he began. “I do not know if I am absolved of my guilt over Loki’s doings.” Amy leaned forward seriously.

“Thor, you’ve lived, God, a thousand years, longer than I can even imagine. And for those thousand years you’ve had Loki abusing you in ways that I can’t even imagine.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I know you can’t call it that yet. That’s okay. But you know it isn’t healthy, right?” He nodded, slowly.

“You were practically conditioned to take the blame for everything. That you can’t shed a thousand years of conditioning in a few months- you don’t need to feel bad about that. This will take time, Thor. Let yourself heal.” Finally he smiled.

“I will try,” he said, and Amy smiled broadly at him.

“That is all I will ever ask of you.” He clasped her hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“It is my absolute pleasure,” she said.

He was back on the duty roster the next day.

XX

He still had his down days. He still had days he didn’t come out of his room, days he didn’t interact much with the team, days he skipped breakfast and Natasha brought it up to him, days he didn’t watch television with the others, days he just had to cry. He still blamed himself sometimes for what Loki did, for what others did, still felt guilty for the state of Earth and the lost, but it was no longer crippling guilt which blinded him to all else.

He still had his down days, but they were much less in frequency now, and he recovered the next day from them.

XX

His first fight was against Doom, and afterwards he smiled at Steve to assuage his doubts and worries.

“I am fine,” he assured him, and Steve clapped him on the shoulder.

“If you’re not you tell me,” he insisted.

“I will,” Thor said.

They didn’t see Loki for months, and when he did show up they all looked at Thor worriedly. Thor was chewing his lip and tightening his grip on Mjolnir, his breath slightly quicker.

“I can do it,” he said, more to himself than them. “I know I can.” He then looked at them. “Trust me.”

They did.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback would be most welcome.


End file.
